ABOUT MALI & JOE
Like many other couples in a new relationship, we experienced a deeply profound, almost magical feeling of connection when we began dating almost two decades ago. Not wanting this experience to end, we began a conversation about love, intimacy, and sex—and especially the question of how two people could keep their connection passionate, loving, and alive indefinitely.
As we dedicated ourselves to this question, we began to coach singles and couples in applying our discoveries to transform their own lives and relationships. And as we witnessed the people we coached become more accepting toward themselves and more connected to those they loved, we decided to put all our ideas, tools, and techniques into a book so more people could have access to them. That’s how The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships was born.
We’ve been thrilled over the years by how many people our book has touched. Every time someone tells us how an idea in The Soulmate Experience has positively transformed them or their relationship—or saved it altogether—we know we made the right choice to spend the years it took us to write this book.
Intimate relationships are special in that they give us the opportunity to explore deep, erotic connection with another human being. And yet sexuality—which is so often tangled up with insecurity, jealousy, inhibition, shame, and self-consciousness—can be so challenging for couples. Helping people successfully work with the many kinds of sexual challenges that can arise in a relationship helped us make the decision to, once again, share our ideas and our clients’ success stories in a new book, Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive.
We spend a lot of time together: we live together, we write together, and we coach together. And after almost two decades, we’re still talking about love, sex, and relationships. We’re still falling in love, we’re still making love, and our sexual connection is as strong as ever. And we’re confident that the ideas we share in our books will help you experience more love, more intimacy, and more connection in your life.
In love,
Mali & Joe
Short Bio
Mali Apple and Joe Dunn are the authors of the award-winning book The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships. They coach singles and couples on creating and sustaining relationships that are intensely passionate and profoundly connected. Their newest book, Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive, is due out in 2022.
Interviewers and podcasters, please visit our PRESS PAGE.
If You Want to Know More About How We Met…
When I drove away from my family home at nineteen, I, Mali, was in high spirits, eager to put as much distance between me and that unhealthy, joyless environment as possible. My parents were hopelessly unhappy together, with no idea how to make things better. Alcohol and arguments were their outlets. They were in no position to teach their four children how to have healthy, happy relationships. I wondered how I’d survive and whether I’d be able to continue my college education. But the relief I felt leaving behind the daily shouting, tears, and door-slamming made these concerns feel less like things to fear and more like a welcome adventure.
About three miles into my three-thousand-mile cross-country journey to California, an almost euphoric feeling of freedom and possibility washed over me. I’d always known there were better ways to live and I was ready to live them.
I did find ways to continue my education, studying bioengineering and psychology to understand more about how human bodies and minds operate, and working as a research assistant in the fields of cognition and perception. I devoured articles and books, fascinated by any new scientifically validated approaches that could help people feel better about themselves and improve their relationships. At the same time, I embarked on an intensive self-study into things like mindfulness, visualization, acceptance, gratitude, and the power of a positive attitude. I began to see more and more connections among these practices and was always happy when yet another study confirmed their effectiveness in improving people’s lives. I toyed with the notion of becoming a licensed psychologist, but my interests felt too broad. Instead, for many years I led a weekly group centered on applying these approaches, along with others I’d been developing over the years, to whatever personal issues anyone in the group was facing. Over and over, people from all different backgrounds confirmed that these ideas and techniques were effective for helping them to create happier and more fulfilling lives and relationships.
Throughout this time, I had three long-term relationships with caring, good-hearted men who I remain close friends with to this day. None of them, however, shared my fascination for these ideas. Eventually I began to wonder what it’d be like to be with someone who was as passionate about this pursuit as I was. What crazy magic could we create together?
One evening, I was scrolling through the online personal ads. At the time, this was an alternative to regular dating sites and offered a free-form format that required no pictures and no boxes to check. I’d been periodically scanning these ads for months, mostly out of curiosity, and rarely did one ever catch my attention. This evening, however, an unusual post caught my eye. It had an unmistakable, and irresistible, feeling of openness and receptivity. This man who called himself Joe seemed refreshingly optimistic and self-aware. In the words he used, I could feel no underlying sense of expectation, neediness, or resentment—attitudes I’d found all too common in the personals. He wrote in positive terms about his last relationship, even some of its more challenging aspects, and shared a little of what he’d learned through it. And unlike the great majority of ads, his ad didn’t offer a list of what he was looking for or describe his ideal partner. On the contrary, he seemed open to wherever a new connection might lead, whether that was making a new friend or meeting the love of his life. I wanted to know more about this man called Joe.
I sent him a message, curious to know how his adventures into dating were going. That little question quickly evolved into an enchanting email exchange about everything that fired me up. We didn’t cover the usual: our accomplishments, our likes and dislikes, or what we were looking for. We didn’t even swap photos (really!). We just explored love, relationships, intimacy, and sexuality—and especially the question of how two people might keep their connection passionate, loving, and alive indefinitely.
If You Want to Know More About How We Met…
The early days of our relationship. My hands were cold and Joe always lets me warm them up on him!
When I drove away from my family home at nineteen, I, Mali, was in high spirits, eager to put as much distance between me and that unhealthy, joyless environment as possible. My parents were hopelessly unhappy together, with no idea how to make things better. Alcohol and arguments were their outlets. They were in no position to teach their four children how to have healthy, happy relationships. I wondered how I’d survive and whether I’d be able to continue my college education. But the relief I felt leaving behind the daily shouting, tears, and door-slamming made these concerns feel less like things to fear and more like a welcome adventure.
About three miles into my three-thousand-mile cross-country journey to California, an almost euphoric feeling of freedom and possibility washed over me. I’d always known there were better ways to live and I was ready to live them.
I did find ways to continue my education, studying bioengineering and psychology to understand more about how human bodies and minds operate, and working as a research assistant in the fields of cognition and perception. I devoured articles and books, fascinated by any new scientifically validated approaches that could help people feel better about themselves and improve their relationships. At the same time, I embarked on an intensive self-study into things like mindfulness, visualization, acceptance, gratitude, and the power of a positive attitude. I began to see more and more connections among these practices and was always happy when yet another study confirmed their effectiveness in improving people’s lives. I toyed with the notion of becoming a licensed psychologist, but my interests felt too broad. Instead, for many years I led a weekly group centered on applying these approaches, along with others I’d been developing over the years, to whatever personal issues anyone in the group was facing. Over and over, people from all different backgrounds confirmed that these ideas and techniques were effective for helping them to create happier and more fulfilling lives and relationships.
Throughout this time, I had three long-term relationships with caring, good-hearted men who I remain close friends with to this day. None of them, however, shared my fascination for these ideas. Eventually I began to wonder what it’d be like to be with someone who was as passionate about this pursuit as I was. What crazy magic could we create together?
One evening, I was scrolling through the online personal ads. At the time, this was an alternative to regular dating sites and offered a free-form format that required no pictures and no boxes to check. I’d been periodically scanning these ads for months, mostly out of curiosity, and rarely did one ever catch my attention. This evening, however, an unusual post caught my eye. It had an unmistakable, and irresistible, feeling of openness and receptivity. This man who called himself Joe seemed refreshingly optimistic and self-aware. In the words he used, I could feel no underlying sense of expectation, neediness, or resentment—attitudes I’d found all too common in the personals. He wrote in positive terms about his last relationship, even some of its more challenging aspects, and shared a little of what he’d learned through it. And unlike the great majority of ads, his ad didn’t offer a list of what he was looking for or describe his ideal partner. On the contrary, he seemed open to wherever a new connection might lead, whether that was making a new friend or meeting the love of his life. I wanted to know more about this man called Joe.
I sent him a message, curious to know how his adventures into dating were going. That little question quickly evolved into an enchanting email exchange about everything that fired me up. We didn’t cover the usual: our accomplishments, our likes and dislikes, or what we were looking for. We didn’t even swap photos (really!). We just explored love, relationships, intimacy, and sexuality—and especially the question of how two people might keep their connection passionate, loving, and alive indefinitely.
When I drove away from my family home at nineteen, I, Mali, was in high spirits, eager to put as much distance between me and that unhealthy, joyless environment as possible. My parents were hopelessly unhappy together, with no idea how to make things better. Alcohol and arguments were their outlets. They were in no position to teach their four children how to have healthy, happy relationships. I wondered how I’d survive and whether I’d be able to continue my college education. But the relief I felt leaving behind the daily shouting, tears, and door-slamming made these concerns feel less like things to fear and more like a welcome adventure.
About three miles into my three-thousand-mile cross-country journey to California, an almost euphoric feeling of freedom and possibility washed over me. I’d always known there were better ways to live and I was ready to live them.
The early days of our relationship. My hands were cold and Joe always lets me warm them up on him!
I did find ways to continue my education, studying bioengineering and psychology to understand more about how human bodies and minds operate, and working as a research assistant in the fields of cognition and perception. I devoured articles and books, fascinated by any new scientifically validated approaches that could help people feel better about themselves and improve their relationships. At the same time, I embarked on an intensive self-study into things like mindfulness, visualization, acceptance, gratitude, and the power of a positive attitude. I began to see more and more connections among these practices and was always happy when yet another study confirmed their effectiveness in improving people’s lives. I toyed with the notion of becoming a licensed psychologist, but my interests felt too broad. Instead, for many years I led a weekly group centered on applying these approaches, along with others I’d been developing over the years, to whatever personal issues anyone in the group was facing. Over and over, people from all different backgrounds confirmed that these ideas and techniques were effective for helping them to create happier and more fulfilling lives and relationships.
Throughout this time, I had three long-term relationships with caring, good-hearted men who I remain close friends with to this day. None of them, however, shared my fascination for these ideas. Eventually I began to wonder what it’d be like to be with someone who was as passionate about this pursuit as I was. What crazy magic could we create together?
One evening, I was scrolling through the online personal ads. At the time, this was an alternative to regular dating sites and offered a free-form format that required no pictures and no boxes to check. I’d been periodically scanning these ads for months, mostly out of curiosity, and rarely did one ever catch my attention. This evening, however, an unusual post caught my eye. It had an unmistakable, and irresistible, feeling of openness and receptivity. This man who called himself Joe seemed refreshingly optimistic and self-aware. In the words he used, I could feel no underlying sense of expectation, neediness, or resentment—attitudes I’d found all too common in the personals. He wrote in positive terms about his last relationship, even some of its more challenging aspects, and shared a little of what he’d learned through it. And unlike the great majority of ads, his ad didn’t offer a list of what he was looking for or describe his ideal partner. On the contrary, he seemed open to wherever a new connection might lead, whether that was making a new friend or meeting the love of his life. I wanted to know more about this man called Joe.
I sent him a message, curious to know how his adventures into dating were going. That little question quickly evolved into an enchanting email exchange about everything that fired me up. We didn’t cover the usual: our accomplishments, our likes and dislikes, or what we were looking for. We didn’t even swap photos (really!). We just explored love, relationships, intimacy, and sexuality—and especially the question of how two people might keep their connection passionate, loving, and alive indefinitely.
The first time I gazed into those soulful eyes, in a sweet little bookstore café, I already felt a deep affection and respect for what turned out to be a very handsome man. Here was someone who seemed truly interested in my collection of transformational ideas and how they could be applied in an intimate relationship. We were, I just knew, about to embark on a real-life magical mystery ride.
We’re still having sexy fun after all these years!
Now I, Joe, had no idea what I was getting into when I posted my ad. I’d never tried online dating, and I really did feel open to friendship, romance, or something yet to be discovered. By that rainy autumn afternoon when this sassy, wickedly intelligent, and (lucky me!) beautiful redhead and I finally met in person, I was already captivated by what felt like a very meaningful and exciting connection. I floated away from our first date on a cloud, high on the exhilarating conversation that had made the hours fly by—and on the single sensual kiss we shared before parting.
My own childhood had been nothing like Mali’s. My parents, although reasonably content with their lives, were also resigned to the relationship they’d chosen. In many ways, they weren’t a great match: they weren’t particularly happy together and I never saw much physical affection between them. But they stuck it out and stayed together, which at the time was considered the hallmark of a good marriage.
Given my upbringing, it’s not surprising that when the sexual intimacy in my own marriage dwindled to almost nothing, I resigned myself to the idea that monotonous is just what marriage inevitably becomes. My wife and I did attempt to revive our connection by attending a series of relationship seminars. Through the seminars, I realized pretty quickly that I had fairly rigid beliefs about marriage and had been almost exclusively following the formula my family and society had handed me. Essentially, I’d been doing relationship by default. I was encouraged to take an honest, objective look at my own contributions to the issues my wife and I were having, like the motivations behind my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. I learned the importance of stepping up and taking responsibility for my part and discovered that I could consciously choose different attitudes and behaviors that would promote a little more harmony and connection. Despite these new understandings, my marriage was just too far gone to salvage. Soon enough, most of the concepts I’d been introduced to had grown dormant and were stashed away in the recesses of my mind.
Until, that is, I met Mali and they all woke up again.
From our first email exchange, I looked forward to each of our interactions, checking my messages dozens of times a day. She was raising topics like those in the seminars—like what made us each feel insecure or jealous, or what we felt worked and didn’t work in our previous relationships—topics that made me nervous but also re-inspired me with visions of how intimate and exciting a relationship could be. To have met someone I could have such conversations with was not only refreshing, but intriguing: she had a way of taking every idea to the next level. To contemplate being in a relationship with someone who wanted to actively live these ideas was nearly beyond belief. And Mali’s obvious ease and fascination with anything related to intimacy and sexuality was, I must admit, quite compelling!
I didn’t realize it at the time, but we were developing a way of interacting that was built upon curiosity, honesty, and acceptance. We were creating a foundation for a deeply fulfilling relationship as co-explorers rather than co-existers.
Today I can’t imagine being in a relationship where we didn’t have these kinds of intimate conversations. After almost two decades, we’re still talking about love, sex, and relationships, and we’ve never encountered the challenges that so many couples face. We’re still falling in love, we’re still making love, and our sexual connection is stronger than ever.
The first time I gazed into those soulful eyes, in a sweet little bookstore café, I already felt a deep affection and respect for what turned out to be a very handsome man. Here was someone who seemed truly interested in my collection of transformational ideas and how they could be applied in an intimate relationship. We were, I just knew, about to embark on a real-life magical mystery ride.
Now I, Joe, had no idea what I was getting into when I posted my ad. I’d never tried online dating, and I really did feel open to friendship, romance, or something yet to be discovered. By that rainy autumn afternoon when this sassy, wickedly intelligent, and (lucky me!) beautiful redhead and I finally met in person, I was already captivated by what felt like a very meaningful and exciting connection. I floated away from our first date on a cloud, high on the exhilarating conversation that had made the hours fly by—and on the single sensual kiss we shared before parting.
My own childhood had been nothing like Mali’s. My parents, although reasonably content with their lives, were also resigned to the relationship they’d chosen. In many ways, they weren’t a great match: they weren’t particularly happy together and I never saw much physical affection between them. But they stuck it out and stayed together, which at the time was considered the hallmark of a good marriage.
Given my upbringing, it’s not surprising that when the sexual intimacy in my own marriage dwindled to almost nothing, I resigned myself to the idea that monotonous is just what marriage inevitably becomes. My wife and I did attempt to revive our connection by attending a series of relationship seminars. Through the seminars, I realized pretty quickly that I had fairly rigid beliefs about marriage and had been almost exclusively following the formula my family and society had handed me. Essentially, I’d been doing relationship by default. I was encouraged to take an honest, objective look at my own contributions to the issues my wife and I were having, like the motivations behind my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. I learned the importance of stepping up and taking responsibility for my part and discovered that I could consciously choose different attitudes and behaviors that would promote a little more harmony and connection. Despite these new understandings, my marriage was just too far gone to salvage. Soon enough, most of the concepts I’d been introduced to had grown dormant and were stashed away in the recesses of my mind.
Until, that is, I met Mali and they all woke up again.
From our first email exchange, I looked forward to each of our interactions, checking my messages dozens of times a day. She was raising topics like those in the seminars—like what made us each feel insecure or jealous, or what we felt worked and didn’t work in our previous relationships—topics that made me nervous but also re-inspired me with visions of how intimate and exciting a relationship could be. To have met someone I could have such conversations with was not only refreshing, but intriguing: she had a way of taking every idea to the next level. To contemplate being in a relationship with someone who wanted to actively live these ideas was nearly beyond belief. And Mali’s obvious ease and fascination with anything related to intimacy and sexuality was, I must admit, quite compelling!
I didn’t realize it at the time, but we were developing a way of interacting that was built upon curiosity, honesty, and acceptance. We were creating a foundation for a deeply fulfilling relationship as co-explorers rather than co-existers.
Today I can’t imagine being in a relationship where we didn’t have these kinds of intimate conversations. After almost two decades, we’re still talking about love, sex, and relationships, and we’ve never encountered the challenges that so many couples face. We’re still falling in love, we’re still making love, and our sexual connection is stronger than ever.